All of Wall Street Says to Buy Uber. We Take a Look… - Dylan Jovine

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All of Wall Street Says to Buy Uber. We Take a Look…

FOLKS, I COULDN’T HAVE MADE IT UP EVEN IF I TRIED.

No, I’m not talking about the fact that Joe Biden’s public gaffes seem almost quaint this day and age…

Or that Mika Brzezinski flipped Joe Scarborough from Republican to Democrat faster than a Russian spy flips a junkie.

Nope, today I happen to be talking about what may be the most offensive thing I’ve read so far this year.

Yup, today I happen to be talking about a headline that came across the ticker tape the other day. It reads…

“25 analysts started coverage of Uber. None of them think the stock is a sell.”

Huh???

Wait a minute. Let me get that straight.

Are you telling me that every single Wall Street analyst thinks Uber’s a buy?

All of them? There isn’t one who thinks that might not be a good idea?

Oh, come on!

I can understand why Uber investment bankers Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley have to promote the stock. It’s their job.

But are you telling me there are so-called “independent analysts” on Wall Street who actually think Uber is a buy?

The same Uber that just lost $1 billion on $3 billion in revenue for the first quarter, and still has a $75 billion market cap?

Are you friggin’ kidding me?

I don’t know about you, but usually I get taken out to dinner before I’m screwed.

I’m sorry folks. The last thing I want to do is start your day with a foul-mouthed rant about Wall Street for goodness sake!

But when I saw that I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Forget the electric chair. We should invent the electric couch for people with this kind of moxie.

But you know what? It shouldn’t have surprised me really.

Quite the contrary. We should have known it would be very difficult for them.

And why not? Most of these analysts were the same kids we knew in grade school.

You know the ones I’m talking about.

Those kids who always had a runny nose whether it was 20 degrees or 90 degrees outside.

The one who wore his pants all the way to his chest and always had the right answer, regardless of the question.

Yeah, those annoying little turds.

Turns out that they’re so desperate to get jobs at Goldman Sachs or Morgan Stanley that they’ll slap a “Buy Rating” on Uber just to get those firms’ attention.

Can we trust anybody on Wall Street?

Generally speaking, no.

That’s right. From top to bottom, Wall Street by and large provides a WORTHLESS service to individual investors.

You notice how I just mention individual investors?

The service they provide to corporate clients is just fine. Whenever a corporation wants to raise money – often at the expense of individual investors – it doesn’t seem to be a problem at all.

But when you hear the stories from readers that I hear almost every day, it’s easy to stay angry.  It’s like being a proctologist – the butt never quite looks the same ever again, regardless of how attractive the person is.

That’s why it pays to listen to what we have to say.

That’s because we started Behind the Markets with the sole objective of giving it to you as straight as we can.

That doesn’t mean we’re right 100% of the time – far from it.

But it does mean that we’re not getting big fat checks from Wall Street to sell you garbage.

Nope, we serve one master and one master only. You.

And like I said, we may be right sometimes, and we may be wrong sometimes.

But you have my word as a man that we’ll always admit our mistakes and that you’ll never have to worry about us promoting other interests ahead of your own interests.

I’ve always hated the term “whistle-blower.” I’ve never viewed myself as that type of person. I’m a businessman.

But somebody has to blow the whistle on sickening things like this.

And if that somebody is going to be me rest assured that I have my whistle with me at all times.

“The Buck Stops Here”

Dylan Jovine

Chairman & CEO

Behind the Markets

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