Don’t let the stock markets new highs fool you… - Dylan Jovine

Writing About the Stock Market & Life Since 2003


Don’t let the stock markets new highs fool you…


Monday the 9th:

On Carly Fiorina’s “Comeback”…

How come I want to projectile vomit every time I see Carly Fiorina’s (the former CEO of Hewlett-Packard – SYM: HP) evil stepmother-looking face on television?

Did you see her on 60 Minutes last night?

First of all, I think we should invent the “Electric Couch” and force everybody who does shameless national Dr. Phil-type P.R. stunts just for money to sit on the couch five at a time!

Secondly, I just can’t believe this woman has the gall to take credit for HP’s recently improved operating performance! For the sake of posterity I have to say made one of the worst business decisions in history by merging with Compaq.

Boy is she lucky though. She’s launching her “revenge” book at the perfect time – right when the dysfunction of the Hewlett Board is at its peak.

(Actually, it’s not luck. You don’t get to be as successful as she is without being a tactical opportunist).

That means that instead of coming clean on the mistakes she made, she almost looks normal to the untrained business eye.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually did help get her fired….

I mean, I did write an article titled “Why Carly Fiorina Should Be Fired From Hewlett-Packard,”literally weeks before she actually was fired.

And for months, I got the strangest emails from people within the tech industry telling me what a great article it was.

Then suddenly, poof! Almost out of nowhere – she was fired!

(Until recently, anybody who Googled her name actually saw that article on the first or second page. Too bad her PR team methodically placed articles during the past year which lowered my own article to page whatever now. If you Google “Dylan Jovine” and “Carly Fiorina” though you can still see it).

Who am I kidding anyway?

Am I writing this truly for posterity or for my own ego? My narcissism today probably runs as deep as her denial does everyday.

Tuesday the 10th:

On Barron’s…

I wonder if Barron’s is just a vehicle used by some secret society to help rich Wall Street a-holes dump their stuff onto the general public….

I mean, am I the only human who notices that whenever Barron’s says something on their cover you could make a fortune doing the exact opposite!

It’s like the perfect dumping ground!

Hmm….maybe I should keep my subscription just for that reason alone.



I think its official: I can no longer watch CNBC.

Every time I see these morons on television I get a nervous twitch….

Who are they kidding? These guys know nothing. They should just REPORT the financial news not INTREPRET it!

Larry Kudlow: Forget “Broadway Danny Rose,” you look like “Wall Street Woody Allen.” (And I hear you were a mighty party animal back in the day Larry!)

Jim Cramer: Please just stop yelling at us. I know it’s your schtick and all but can’t you tone it down a notch? I wonder what you’re like when the music stops….does the depressive side kick in?

Dylan Ratigan: Sorry to disappoint you sport, but the only thing we have in common is the name.

Mark Haines (and the dude who reports from the floor): Maybe it’s because I struggle with my weight as well, but you’re cool….for now.

Wednesday the 11th:

Political Disclaimer…

Politics has such an effect on the markets sometimes its scary….

But I hate talking about politics here. For some reason, people can’t seem accept the fact that I am not a Republican or a Democrat. They think everything I say is in the context of some “red state, blue state” bull–t!

What kind of disclaimer should I write so I don’t get 40,000 angry emails from the morons on either the far left or the far right?

Let’s try this for a POLITICAL DISCLAIMER:

 Dear Reader,

I am a pragmatist by nature.

For better or worse, throughout my entire life I’ve made my living as an investor. And to earn your living as an investor you have to constantly incorporate the facts into your decision making process above all else.

In fact, I can speak for any human I have ever met who has ever invested in the market for a living when I say the following: investors who ignore the facts lose money; investors who don’t look honestly in the mirror lose money and investors who are trapped in prisons of ideology lose money.

It’s really that simple.

During my career I’ve also learned a thing or two about human nature. In my line of work you have to: when emotions overcome facts for a majority of market participants, investors like me make millions.

In my mind, anybody who makes decisions – on the left or right – because of ideology is a moron. Decisions should be made on facts, nothing else.

If you can’t deal with what I’m saying and you already find this offensive then please unsubscribe with the link at the bottom of this email right now.

 It won’t bother me one bit…

In fact I’m tired already, I’m dying to quit.

Now that that’s out of the way I’ll get to my points…

I believe that any government’s primary responsibility is to a) protect its citizens and b) increase the standard of living for them.

But am I the only one NON-POLITICAL operator here who is shocked by the morons running this country?

I mean, Gosh-Darn – has anybody turned on C-SPAN recently?

Are these the best people we have?!!???? Will a real pragmatic leader please stand up?????

If not, I may actually consider moving overseas. (Who am I kidding? Human nature is the same everywhere. The same moronic, narrow minded fools running this country – on both sides of the aisle – are usually in power everywhere).

Here’s My Patriots Resolution (please feel free to join me if you agree with it):

I, Dylan Jovine, promise to uphold my duty to

protect the Constitution of the United States by

doing the following this election cycle…

 Every time I see a television commercial for ANY politician I vow to immediately flip the channel to C-SPAN to see what they’re really like!

(The investor takeaway from this mindless mini-rant: sorry, but I’m not gonna lie to you: there is none. I’m just mad as all heckfire with these ninnies).

Thursday the 12th:

On the Stock Market’s New Highs…

Am I missing something here? Doesn’t everybody with a half a brain in their head know this rally isn’t based on company fundamentals?

Personally, I think the market is moving higher because of politics: investors seem to believe that Democrats will win enough seats in Congress to stop the INSANE amount of government spending we’ve seen lately.

 Who knows though? I have to give credit to my brother Jason for being the only one on the Tycoon Report staff who called it spot on….

Thank goodness I don’t make my living trying to predict the direction of the market!

Friday the 13th:

I think I’ll try my luck and go sky-diving today.

Have a great week folks,

Dylan Jovine

Learn From My Most Effective Online Marketing Campaigns & Businesses